296: Avoidance Feeds Anxiety: When to Make Teens Do Hard Things | Dr. Meredith Elkins

Your teen has asked to be picked up from school early again, and you already know why: they spent lunch hiding in the bathroom, and now they’re dreading tomorrow before today is even over.

You’re heartbroken watching your teen hurt, and then the second-guessing kicks in: is rescuing your teen helping, or is it actually making things harder? That’s an exhausting place to be, and it makes sense when parents get there.

Here’s the thing: teens are often dealing with real adolescent social worries, but avoidance makes anxiety worse. Every early pickup brings instant relief and takes away a chance to practice facing our fears, so going to school feels even scarier the next time. Dr. Meredith Elkins walks us through how to tell a painful-but-normal rough patch from clinical anxiety that takes over a teen’s life (hint: look at distress, duration, and how much it’s getting in the way).

And no, you don’t need your teen to sit down with a therapist tomorrow to fix the situation. We talk about getting guidance from someone who knows anxiety, stepping away from the accommodations that stoke the anxiety, and helping your teen build confidence one doable step at a time. The bottom line: You’re a lot less powerless than you may feel.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide. Dr. Meredith Elkins is a clinical psychologist and Harvard Medical School faculty member who researches and treats anxiety in children and families, co-directs the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program at McLean Hospital, and is the author of Parenting Anxiety: Breaking the Cycle of Worry and Raising Resilient Kids.

Parenting Anxiety: Breaking the Cycle of Worry and Raising Resilient Kids

The SPACE Program, developed at the Yale Child Study Center

More on independence-focused therapy: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38901131/

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Parenting a tween or teen? Buckle up. Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life tackles the questions that keep parents up at night — academics, friendships, mental health, screens, meltdowns, and more.

Every week, psychologist Lisa Damour teams up with a different expert to answer a real parent's real question — no fluff, no judgment, just practical, evidence-based advice you can actually use. Dr. Damour and her colleagues also turn their attention to the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids — the moments that leave you feeling uneasy, overwhelmed, or just plain alone.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to hit play.

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