Mailbag: This Raccoon Story Ends at the ER

Curt Mummer drops in with a $40 bottle of chocolate banana Fanta that tastes like a plumber’s aftertaste, a two-year-old wrapped around a banana, and the paper wrapper on a Tootsie Roll. Nobody likes it. Everybody respects the bit.

The table also gets a last-minute Chuck Norris Karate Commandos figure (stache era, no beard, full mullet), a “You Should Leave” horror welcome sign from Kerry Ahern (Freddy, Ghostface, Chucky — welcome crossed out), and three movies in the mail: Cronenberg’s Shivers and Videodrome plus Gregory Hines in White Nights.

Then the BMRmy unloads:

David from New Hampshire lets his dogs out and a raccoon runs across his bare feet, hisses from the railing, and leaves a five-inch scratch that turns into six rabies shots and a scar. The table immediately offers competing raccoon stories, a chipmunk bite, attic babies, and one shotgun-in-the-neighborhood tale.

Vickie calls from the UK with box three incoming — prawn cocktail crisps, biscuits, and something special for James.

Michael Bjork congratulates Grandpa James, finally says something nice about Bob (it only took Teen Wolf), drops werewolf lore (full moon and silver arrived late), and asks about the competition and We Can Do It Better.

Matt clocks that High Chief Peter Maivia — The Rock’s grandfather — was the henchman and the fight choreographer in You Only Live Twice. Die Another Episode gets another vote.

Uncle Nasty writes in about missing The Prophecy awards, a brother who kept alligators in the bathtub, and a real mental-health check. The table stops being idiots for a minute and tells him to stay.

Bradley Great Scott calls in with Lessons From Bad Movies (Cool as Ice, Rad, American Ninja, Masters of the Universe, Garbage Pail Kids, Hard to Kill, Surviving the Game). Trapper Dave offers to source a raccoon. Art from Chicago IDs Chomp the Snapper in Humboldt Park and gives Madeline an Alaska timing warning. Dwayne from Tennessee insists burning the house in Vampires just makes them a cocoon. The guys disagree. Loudly.

Same contacts as always. Same chaos. Send more.

Email: [email protected]
Voicemail: (262) 757-8567
Mail: PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

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