New & Ancient Rules of Relationship: Advice from a Therapist & Two Celibate Monks | Terry Real Q&A

In this session, Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho speak with Terry Real, therapist, author, and creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) (https://terryreal.com/).

00:00:00 Introduction

00:02:49 Coming out of the closet as a long-term meditator

00:04:46 Three parts of the brain and the psyche in RLT

00:05:42 Explaining the survival instincts of fight, flight, and fawn

00:06:22 Defining the "wounded child" and the nature of trauma

00:07:18 The role and function of the "adaptive child"

00:08:40 How trauma triggers reactivity in current relationships

00:11:41 The neurobiology of getting flooded and going offline

00:12:48 Introducing the concept of "relational mindfulness"

00:14:15 Moving from the reactive mind to the responsive mind

00:16:43 The importance of performing trauma work with partners

00:19:02 How the Buddhist Eightfold Path relates to reactivity

00:19:26 Integrating spiritual friendship with the need for seclusion

00:19:40 The framework and the "Ten Commandments of Timeouts"

00:20:25 Skillful distance and the dance of intimacy

00:21:20 Establishing healthy self-esteem and God-given worth

00:22:50 Balancing abandonment wounds versus intrusion wounds

00:25:31 Correcting the epistemological mistake of individualism

00:26:49 Waking up to ecological wisdom and relationality

00:30:01 A Zen story about treating others while "saving the world"

00:32:02 Releasing conceit and the movement from me to we

00:34:28 Common pairings of wounded and adaptive children

00:35:13 The five losing strategies of the adaptive child

00:36:59 Examples of how adaptive strategies reinforce each other

00:38:04 A story of recovery and relational heroism regarding lying

00:41:36 Understanding accountability and the "second consciousness"

00:43:53 Distinguishing between blame, victimhood, and responsibility

00:45:46 The risks of "parental determinism" and cutting off parents

00:46:50 Carl Jung and the necessity of a religious outlook

00:47:54 Spirituality as a cure for the disease of addiction

00:50:05 Einstein's question on whether the universe is friendly

00:52:24 Healing through relaxing into something bigger than oneself

00:54:37 A conversation with Jack Kornfeld on spiritual teaching

00:55:47 Final reflections on basic trust and nature looking back

Terry Real's Biography:

Terry Real is a family therapist, author, and teacher particularly known for his work on male psychology and relationships. His work has been featured in numerous academic articles as well as in The New York Times and Psychology Today; And he has appeared in conversation with Oprah, Esther Perel, Gabor Mate, and with our friend Rick Hanson, to name a few. Terry is the founder of The Relational Life Institute, and the author of "I Don't Want To Talk About It" on the topic of male depression, "How Can I Get Through To You?" on the role of patriarchy in relationships, "The New Rules of Marriage," and most recently, "Us: Getting Past You & Me and Building a More Loving Relationship".

Ten Commandments of Timeouts:

1. Use as a Circuit Breaker

2. Take Your Time-Out from the "I"

3. Take Distance Responsibly

4. Use Short Abbreviations

5. Don’t Let Yourself Be Stopped

6. Use Check-Ins at Prescribed Intervals

7. Remember Your Goal

8. Return in Good Faith

9. Observe a 24-Hour Moratorium

10. Know When to Get Help

Tune in with fellow practitioners for Clear Mountain’s weekly online and hybrid events!

- Wednesday Evening Teaching & Discussion (6:00 – 7:30 pm PT, YouTube then Zoom)

- Saturday Morning Meditation, Teaching, & Coffee Social (9:30 - 11 am PT, Online & In-Person)

- Sunday Evening “Mission Majjhima!” Sutta Teaching & Discussion (5:00 - 6 pm PT, Online)

See https://www.clearmountainmonastery.org/ or visit https://linktr.ee/clear_mountain_monastery for details. Welcome!