What Does Hashem Want in Shidduchim

The chiddushim of Rav Aaron Leib Steinman on the topic of Shidduchim were recorded in the sefer Ke'ayal Ta'arog , compiled by his students. There, Rav Steinman is quoted as saying that in our times, when we are faced with decisions about Shidduchim, we often forget the most basic principle: Shiviti Hashem l'negdi tamid —I place Hashem before me always. The question should be, "What does Hashem want me to do in this situation?" Too often, a person focuses on what they will gain from a match, rather than what Hashem's will might be for them. And this, Rav Steinman said, is one of the central challenges people face today in Shidduchim. When people hear about a potential match, do they ask themselves, "What would Hashem want me to say?" Or do they worry, "What will others think?" Concerns arise: "Is the family on the same status level as mine?" "Do they have as much money?" "Have their other children married important people?" Rav Steinman explained that when someone thinks, "How can I say yes—what will others think if they see us together?" That is a sign of too much ga'ava —pride. And that, he taught, is part of what it means when Chazal say that Shidduchim are as difficult as Kriyat Yam Suf , the splitting of the sea. A person's middot can block them from finding their intended match. Rav Chaim Volozhiner also emphasized this point. He said that it is forbidden to have ga'ava when it comes to Shidduchim. The only question one should ask is whether the other person will be good for them based on their middot and their yirat Shamayim . There is nothing wrong with a boy marrying a girl older than him. There is nothing wrong with a wealthy family marrying into a family of lesser means. And there is certainly nothing wrong with a Jew from one background marrying a Jew from another background. A woman recently told me a story that illustrates this point. Her daughter became a kallah at the age of 29. For years, her family prayed, tried all sorts of kabbalot , and did everything they could to find her match. But year after year passed, and the process only became more difficult. One day, her mother had to deliver something to a home in another neighborhood. When she knocked on the door, a young man—around 30 years old—answered. He was kind, soft-spoken, and showed beautiful middot. The mother took note and, upon returning home, called a shadchan to inquire about him for her daughter. Everything sounded wonderful—except for one detail: he was Chassidish , while their family was Litvish . The cultural differences felt too wide, and so she declined the match. But word got back to the boy's family that someone had inquired about him. Curious, they looked into the girl and were very impressed. They asked their own shadchan to follow up and try to arrange a meeting. But again, the girl's mother declined. Later that year, the name came up once more. This time, the daughter said she was open to trying. They went out—and found that they were extremely compatible. Baruch Hashem , they got engaged. Yes, there will be differences. Where she comes from, men wear black hats. Her chatan is going to wear a shtreimel . Her community dresses in short jackets; he is going to wear a long bekeshe . There will be differences in dress, possibly in language, and even in food. But they share the same values and the same dedication to Torah and middot. Together, B'ezrat Hashem they will build a beautiful Jewish home. What other people say does not matter. Last names do not matter. The only thing that truly matters is: What does Hashem want us to do!