Nat & Hal

Hi. I’m Hal. Welcome to Living in a Body. This is a very special episode today. Natalie Mead fromOops, My Brainand I have exchanged a few letters (via email) and we’re publishing them today. Press PLAY above to listen to the podcast version of this episode. And click below to check out Natalie’s Substack. Enjoy.

Nat and Hal

Hi Natalie.

My name's Hal Walker. I read your recent note seeking collaborators on the topics of chronic illness and humor. Well, it just so happens that I’m living with severe ME/CFS and I used to be funny, so I’d love to connect. How ‘bout we write letters back and forth to get to know each other better? I’ll start.

It’s true. In my previous life, I was really funny. I could make the whole room break out laughing. In fact, my senior year in high school, I was voted "Best Personality." The weird thing about that is that in social settings, I was always afraid of people. I felt like I didn't know enough about "current events" to carry on a conversation. I was so scared of my own silence.

I still sometimes struggle with not knowing what to say, but I've discovered that I don't need to know anything about "current events" to connect with somebody. I just need to be myself. These days, I practice being vulnerable and honest. These days, I practice telling the truth. I hope that in our collaboration, we both feel free to tell the truth. I hope we can just relax and be ourselves through our writing. I'd really like that.

I love laughing. In my previous life, I laughed a lot. I had a really heartfelt baritone laugh that would sometimes make me fall over. But I don't laugh much these days. It actually hurts my lungs too much to laugh. Due to this nasty illness, the"previous life" that I’ve been referring to seems like a distant memory. You're meeting me in the middle of the most challenging time of my life. In fact, today was one of the most challenging days of my life. I'm very sick and I'm very scared. On a regular basis, I question how I’m gonna survive this illness. It's a brutal one and it just keeps getting more brutal. From what I hear, of all the illnesses, ME/CFS is one of the rougher ones. So I cry a lot. In fact, I'm crying right now as I write this.

Well, I'm sorry there wasn't much humor in this first letter, Natalie. Maybe the funny will come out later. I'm really glad to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Sincerely, Hal

Hi Hal,

First off, I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough day. I don't know you, but I do know that chronic illness is mostly terrifying and only a little bit funny, and I think your condition is objectively more terrifying than mine. So let me start by saying: Keep holding on! There will be days that are better than this one, days where you will smile or marvel or gently chuckle.

I actually don't think of myself as a funny person. I was the awkward nerd who was obsessed with marching band, not any sort of class clown. But when I was first hospitalized with chronic migraine disorder, at the age of 27, I found myself plunged headfirst into the chaos of both a sudden-onset disability and the American medical establishment. I saw only two ways to cope: cry about it, or find the humor in it. Five years later, I still do plenty of both.

I look forward to getting to know you more, especially because you've dispelled the need for me to feign knowledge of current events. I have enough stress in my life, so I make a point of not reading the news. I think I know who Donald Trump is, and I heard that he was considering running for president a few years ago? I wonder how that turned out??

When you feel well enough to write more, I'm curious to know more about ME/CFS and your life as a disabled person. Though we're both disabled, there's a broader spectrum of disability than most people realize. What is ME/CFS, in your own words, and how does it affect your life? What metaphors, if any, do you use when describing it to others? If you were to personify it, what would that person look like, do, and say?

Hang in there, and talk soon :)