Episode 220: Rebuilding Intimacy with Irene Fehr

Irene Fehr, MA, CPCC, Certified Sex & Intimacy Coach, helps couples make love and sex work in long-term relationships and bring sex and passion into sexless ones. Determined to dispel myths about why sex dies in long-term monogamous relationships that cause heartache and broken dreams, Irene’s views have been featured all around the world in HuffPost, Cosmopolitan, Shape, Refinery29, ScaryMommy, EliteDaily and Bustle. She is no stranger to her clients' issues, having recovered from the all-too-common story of ‘happy marriage turned sexless’ when she lost her libido — all before turning 30.

Listen to this insightful Whinypaluza episode with Irene Fehr about the often-secret subject of loss of intimacy within a relationship and debunking the myths that women have about sex.

Here is what to expect on this week’s show:

The painful feeling of losing one’s libido and how it impacts all areas of life, including your sense of worth.
Sexual desire is one of our most primal needs as a species. When this is lost, it affects us in myriad ways. Feeling the connection with it is very powerful.
Myth 1: Women who are not sexual are broken.
In the Western world, media and the greater social community would have women believe they are broken if they have a loss in libido.
As a couple in a long-term relationship, it is necessary to deal with multiple sets of factors when desire is lost.
Women often feel they need to match the same spontaneous desire that their male partners do. This just isn’t realistic. Women generally have responsive sexual desire.
Physical engagement and relaxation are precursors to desire and arousal for women.
Myth 2: Women can do it all, be it all and still have energy and desire for intimacy at the end of the day.
Despite women’s capabilities to do much, they are only human and have finite energy and patience.
Instead of pushing to do more, focus on removing things from your daily to-dos so you have room and energy left for intimacy.
Myth 3: In a long-term relationship, women should want to have sex with the man they love just because they love them.
There is not a single, automatic reason for wanting to have sex. It is more complex for women.
Intimacy is created in moments of connection and positive stimuli with your partner.
Myth 4: Assuming that engaging in obligatory sex will create a desire to engage in sex more.
Filling the pleasure cup: small, but frequent moments of joy and pleasure throughout the day will add up and create a state in which you feel desire. These moments can be something a small as enjoying a quiet moment, or smelling a flower.
How you and your partner can better communicate their needs and work together to create more intimacy.