Pucker Up, Billy Zane!

In this first of a three-part exploration of James Cameron’s bloated, beautiful, Oscar-winning Titanic, Kelly and Tom name themselves Cousins of the Week, critique the slipshod enforcement of Titanic’s health inspections, and wonder who brought all the free beer in steerage. They are also baffled by Leo Dicaprio’s lack of a Wisconsin accent, the exact location of the whore’s quarters, and what happened to Sven. All this, plus Kelly’s feelings on spaghetti, Tom’s preference for action titties, and which ingredients might make a Tomandkelly cocktail.

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