054: Three reasons not to say “You’re OK!”

“I hear parents on the playground all the time saying “You’re OK!” after their child falls over. Often it does make the child stop crying…but doesn’t it invalidate the child’s feelings?”   It turns out that this question is related to a skill that psychologists call emotional regulation, and learning how to regulate emotions is one of the most important tasks of childhood.   This to-the-point episode is a trial of a shorter form of episode after listeners told me this show is “very dense.”  It’s hard to back off the density, but I can back off the length.  Let me know (via email or the Contact Me, page – not the comments on this episode because I get inundated with spam) what you think…   Other episodes referenced in this show How parenting affects children’s development How divorce impacts children’s development How to scaffold children’s learning   Jump to highlights 01:45 The question that sparked this episode: does saying "you're okay" invalidate a child's feelings? 02:14 The three ways children learn emotional regulation, and why this episode focuses on direct teaching 03:31 Why is emotional regulation important: well-being, friendships, and academic achievement 04:49 How cultural values around autonomy shape whether "you're okay" fits or clashes 07:50 How emotional regulation develops with age, from infancy through toddlerhood 10:36 Four practical steps for handling a fall at the playground without saying "you're okay"   References Brookshire, B. (2013, May 8). Psychology is WEIRD: Western college students are not the best representatives of human emotion, behavior, and sexuality. Slate. Retrieved from www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2013/05/weird_psychology_social_science_researchers_rely_too_much_on_western_college.html

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