133: How the Things We Learned About Sex Impact Our Children

Today we build on episodes that we've done in the past on talking with children about the basics of sex (so when you listen to this episode we're assuming you've got the basics covered - things like using anatomically correct names for body parts and taking basic steps to prevent sexual abuse). This is the first in a mini-series of episodes that digs deeper into topics related to sex. Here we talk with Charlotte Rose, co-host of the Speaking of Sex podcast by the Pleasure Mechanics, about what and how we adults learned about sex. We talk about the shame that pretty much all of us learned to associate with sex (and how to overcome that), and what we can do to improve the chances of having sex with our partner - even if we're feeling so tired that this currently seems out of the question. We're setting the stage here to approach sex from a less pressured, more fun perspective - which will help us in an upcoming episode to figure out what we want to discuss with our children about sex, sexuality, and pleasure. Jump to highlights:

(01:00) Today's topic and Parenting Membership reopening announcement
(02:20) Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop announcement
(03:55) Chris and Charlotte Rose the Pleasure Mechanics
(05:16) The primary focus of today's episode
(06:09) Sex isn't what it used to be before we became parents
(08:39) Responsive desire and spontaneous desire
(09:17) Erotic simulation and how there is nothing wrong with your sexual relationship
(11:54) Creating a culture of pleasure within your relationship
(14:42) Continual consent - it doesn't always need to lead to sex
(15:34) Sex is adults at play
(17:37) Sex educations centered around abstinence, secrecy, and shame and how we move forward from that
(20:39) A parenting opportunity to create a different culture for our children, so that they have to unlearn so much less with regards to sex
(22:35) How does shame show up in parents' sexual relationship?
(25:21) So much judgment about sexuality and how it gets in the way of our connection with our partner
(29:04) A culture of community care to have these conversations
(29:49) Initiation and refusal/rejection
(34:36) Mindful sex: How to enjoy sex more
(39:27) Finding that balance when having the sex conversation with our children
(42:23) Giving kids the building blocks so that they can have an experience to healthy sexuality when it is time for them
(45:39) Experiencing self massage in a non sexual way
(50:16) Body neutrality
(51:36) Wrapping up

Here are the resources we discussed on the show: Pleasure Mechanics Resources

Charlotte & Chris' free online course The Erotic Essentials
Conversation starters about sex
Podcast episode on spontaneous vs. responsive desire
Podcast episode on mindful sex (making sex better through focusing on the present)
Podcast episode on body image

Other Resources

AASECT therapist referral directory
Peer-reviewed article on the 237 reasons people have sex
Guy Winch's TED Talk on How to Practice Emotional First Aid, as well as more explicit resources on why rejection hurts so much - and in peer-reviewed form too
Research on mindful sex
Outspoken Sex Ed

Made for you by Jen:

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