ELI5 Black Box Flight Recorders - what’s inside the orange mystery?

Why are airplane black boxes not connected to real-time satellite data systems? What data does a black box contain and how does it contribute to improving aviation safety after an accident is investigated? How do black boxes manage to survive catastrophic accidents and remain so resilient under extreme conditions? What makes flight recorders, or ""black boxes,"" so crucial after airplane accidents? How could future advancements in technology improve black box capabilities, such as more robust communications or data handling?

... we explain like I'm five

Thank you to the r/explainlikeimfive community and in particular the following users whose questions and comments formed the basis of this discussion: greenishstones, prototypist, ukshj, baktru, alihb, turkstache, hpanandikar, elabril.

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