Effective Strategies for Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

If you support an autistic child or teen with a PDA profile, you may have found yourself wondering...

How do I help when even simple requests can feel like demands?

And maybe you've tried giving choices, lowering demands, explaining, encouraging, rewarding...and you're still not sure what to do.

In this episode of The Autism ADHD Podcast, I'm joined by Laura Kerbey, a neurodivergent adult, parent, professional, and author with more than 20 years of experience supporting autistic children and teens.

We're talking about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—also referred to by some as a Persistent Drive for Autonomy—and, most importantly, practical ways parents and professionals can support PDA children and teens with greater understanding, connection, and trust.

Laura explains something I really want you to hear:

With PDA, it may not be "won't." It may be "can't."

When a demand feels like a threat to autonomy, anxiety can increase quickly. And as anxiety increases, a child's ability to tolerate demands may decrease.

So...what do we do instead?

Laura and I talk about how changing our approach—not trying to change the child—can make a meaningful difference.

In this episode, you'll learn about:

• PDA and how it may differ from other types of demand avoidance • Why a child may avoid something they actually want to do • The connection between PDA, anxiety, autonomy, and demand tolerance • Why trust and feeling safe matter so much • How to offer choices without simply disguising another demand • Why asking "Does this really matter?" can change the way we parent • How our own childhood experiences can influence the way we respond to our children • Why PDA children may not respond to traditional ideas about adult authority and hierarchy • How connection through a child's interests can build trust • Supporting self-advocacy from an early age • Why tone of voice and body language may feel especially important when a child is already anxious • What to do when you lose your patience—and why repair matters

We also talk about something that comes up again and again in my work with neurodivergent children:

A child needs a voice in their own experience.

Supporting autonomy isn't about letting a child "run the show." It's about recognizing what their nervous system may be communicating and finding ways to collaborate while maintaining connection and trust.

And you'll mess this up sometimes. I do too.

The goal isn't perfect parenting or perfect therapy. It's understanding our kids more deeply, repairing when we get it wrong, and continuing to build the kind of relationship where they feel safe enough to tell us what they need.

🎧 Listen now and share this episode with a parent, therapist, educator, or other professional supporting autistic children and teens with demand avoidance or a PDA profile.

FREE RESOURCE:

The Get to Know My Child Snapshot is a one-page, fillable tool that helps the adults in your child's world understand who they are before assumptions, misunderstandings, or unnecessary struggles begin. Whether your child is autistic, ADHD, or both, this practical resource can help create stronger relationships, reduce anxiety, and support better outcomes at school, in therapy, at medical appointments, during extracurricular activities, and beyond.

As a psychologist who has spent nearly three decades supporting neurodivergent children, teens, and their families, I've seen firsthand how understanding changes everything. When adults understand why a child communicates differently, struggles with executive functioning, experiences sensory overload, or responds in unexpected ways, they're far more likely to respond with compassion, support, and effective accommodations instead of frustration or correction.

What's Included in the FREE Get to Know My Child Snapshot? Your download includes:

• Three one-page fillable PDF formats.
• Completed examples to make the Snapshot easy to complete.
• Sections for strengths and interests.
• Communication preferences.
• Executive functioning.
• Sensory needs.
• Emotional regulation.
• Social interaction.
• Helpful supports and accommodations.
• Behavior as communication.
• It takes about five minutes to complete and can be updated as your child grows and their needs change.

🌟 Parents click here and get the snapshot for free

🌟 Therapists click here for the snapshot

About Laura Kerbey: Laura is a neurodivergent adult, parent, and professional who has worked within specialist education for more than 20 years. She is the founder of Positive Assessments, Support and Training and co-founder of KITE Therapeutic Learning Services. She is also the author of The Educator's Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance, published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

About The Autism ADHD Podcast: Hosted by Holly Blanc Moses, The Mom/Neurodivergent Therapist, The Autism ADHD Podcast provides neurodiversity-affirming information and practical support for parents, therapists, and educators supporting autistic and ADHD children and teens.