34. "I can allow myself to be human." With Fiona Matalon

Following on from our previous conversation in Episode 27, Fiona and I dive into shame. We begin with our understanding of the possible evolutionary purpose of shame, and how and when it becomes toxic and harmful. We talk about how shame “gets put on us”; how any kind of abuse is inherently shaming; and how we end up feeling the disowned shame of those who perpetrate shameful behaviour. We touch into the self-abandonment that comes when we’re shamed such that we feel there is something inherently wrong with us; feeling shame when the natural reaction to our circumstances would be anger; the layering or compounding of shame – including feeling shame for feeling shame; and how shame festers in isolation.

Amongst many other things, we also discuss how shame distorts the lens through which we see ourselves; being crippled with shame; and how it often dissipates “in togetherness.” We mention how the inner critic develops – in part – to avoid further shaming by being “good” and behaving according to the rules, and how in the dark night the rules “start to wash off.” Finally, we move into belonging to ourselves; gaining self-authority, dignity and trust in our own knowing; and giving shame “a seat at the table.”

Fiona Matalon is a somatic psychotherapist. She offers a holistic approach to those who are looking to deepen their relationship to themselves and to live a life that is led by their heart, soul and inner knowing. In sessions, together with her clients, she uses the intelligence of the body to allow a deeper exploraton that goes beyond the everyday mind. She brings her own deep lived experience and continuous learnings into her practice.

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Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works one to one with people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors.

Connect with Fiona

Mentions

Fiona Matalon cites The Relationship Grid developed by Terry Real.

Fiona Robertson mentions Gisèle Pelicot, author of A Hymn to Life: Shame has to Change Sides. She also mentions her blog post, On Shame and Sharing.

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Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit