Sex & Performance Anxiety: What Helps with Dr. Evie Kirana

If you want sex to feel good again and not have to think about whether you're hard or softening, or whether you're going to have an orgasm soon — this episode gives you clear, usable tools to start moving in that direction.

In part two of this series on sexual performance anxiety, I talk with health psychologist and clinical sexologist Dr Evie Kirana about how to deal with sexual performance anxiety. We break down the real mind–body connection (no woo here - just pure physiology!), why you can’t force your erection or orgasm to cooperate, and how to shift from performance pressure to meaningful connection.

You’ll learn:

• Why fighting or hiding your anxiety makes it stronger
• How to tolerate anxiety in the moment without shutting down
• The four practical steps to deal with sexual performance anxiety in a new clinical model
• How connection-focused goals (instead of "I-have-to-get-this-righ goals") help your body during sex
• How partners can support without becoming the “fixer” or the “nurse"

Timestamps:

01:24 Introducing Dr. Evie Kirana

03:50 Gender Differences in Seeking Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction

05:30 Understanding Sexual Performance Anxiety (SPA)

07:57 Shame and Its Role

10:05 Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing Unhelpful Thoughts

13:06 Why We Can’t Control Sexual Function (Much Like Other Bodily Functions)

15:53 Shifting from Performance Goals to Connection Goals

18:44 The 4 Phases of Managing Sexual Performance Anxiety (& How To Do It)

25:05 Partner Dynamics and Navigating Progress Together

28:08 Why Society Doesn’t Talk About Sexual Performance Anxiety

31:45 Key Takeaways from Dr. Evie Kirana's Research

34:14 When to Seek Professional Help for Anxiety

36:45 Resources: MindMyErection.com

38:30 My Sex-Therapist Reflections & Final Thoughts

48:17 Outro & Support Resources

You can find Dr. Kirana’s free video resources for men & people with penises (and their partners) at MindMyErection.com.

The study discussed in this episode is A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R) by Rowland & Kirana, published in Sexual Medicine Review.

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